Brace yourselves, Lost Citizens: I bring news that another
cherished myth of the 1960's has self-destructed. Yes, I'm
talking about that infamous 1967 “walking
Bigfoot” footage.

What's this? The long-anticipated Bigfoot and Wildboy reunion show?
Nope. Just another soul-sucking day in cold, stark Reality-Land ...

All those years of believing ... and it turns out it was
just a guy in a monkey suit all along. I haven't been this despondent
since I found out that Nessie
was a toy submarine:

The Yakima man who made history and
legend 37 years ago by walking in Bigfoot's flat feet donned the
costume again this week to put the hoax firmly in the halls of hooey.

“I kept it quiet for all
those years, but it wasn't a secret to most of the people around
here,” 63-year-old Bob Heironimus said Wednesday at his West
Valley home.

The tall cowboy walked the
lumbering Bigfoot walk for filmmakers and anti-Bigfoot authors
Tuesday on private property near Rimrock Lake. The group's goal is to
make the film behind the film, that 60-second grainy image made in
1967 by a “chronically unemployed ex-rodeo cowboy” from
Yakima named Roger Patterson.

Waitaminit ... anti-Bigfoot authors? I smell bias
here. I mean, who ya gonna believe — some fancy left-wing
documentarian with an agenda, or a chronically unemployed rodeo
cowboy with a 16-millimeter camera?

It's just that — dang it — those pesky reality-based
types up and snagged
the guy who sold
him the costume, too. Did you know that the Bigfoot in the
footage was supposed to be a chick?

Korff and Long [the
anti-Bigfoot guys] have enlisted Charlotte, N.C.-based costume
maker Philip Morris, who sold the original gorilla suit to Patterson.
He created a new Bigfoot costume for the film. In the production,
Morris, 68, will explain how Patterson likely resculpted the suit to
create breasts — yes, Bigfoot was a she — and fashioned a
pillow in the back to make a rear-end crack. (Hint: the zipper in
the suit helped.)

So not only was Heironimus a goldanged Bigfoot hoaxer — he
was a crossdressing goldanged Bigfoot hoaxer.

Oh well. All is not lost. There'll always be a Mothman.

There's still a
Mothman, right? ...