The truth is, America is not just broken--it is becoming irreparable. If you believe that recent years of uncivil behavior are burdensome, imagine the likelihood of a future in which all bizarre acts are the norm, and a government-booted foot stands permanently on your face.

That is why the unthinkable must become thinkable. If the so-called "Red States" (those that voted for George W. Bush) cannot be respected or at least tolerated by the "Blue States" (those that voted for Al Gore and John Kerry), then the most disparate of them must live apart--not by secession of the former (a majority), but by expulsion of the latter. Here is how to do it.

Having been amended only 17 times since 10 vital amendments (the Bill of Rights) were added at the republic's inception, the U.S. Constitution is not easily changed, primarily because so many states (75%, now 38 of 50) must agree. Yet, there are 38 states today that may be inclined to adopt, let us call it, a "Declaration of Expulsion," that is, a specific constitutional amendment to kick out the systemically troublesome states and those trending rapidly toward anti-American, if not outright subversive, behavior.

The 12 states that must go: California, Illinois, New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, Rhode Island, Connecticut, Maryland, and Delaware. Only the remaining 38 states would retain the name, "United States of America." The 12 expelled mobs could call themselves the "Dirty Dozen," or individually keep their identity and go their separate ways, probably straight to Hell.

I was all set to feel outraged, but I suddenly realized that the mouth-breathing primate's got a point.

Why didn't this occur to me before? The Repubs, shuddering with excitement over their 2% margin in the last election, are ready to overreach like they've never overreached before!

And by God, this plan of his is so crazy it just might work! If everyone agrees that we can be expelled, we can be expelled, right? Let's get expelled!

Obviously, we'll have to negotiate a pretty good deal to agree to something like this. First things first: I'm an American, buster, and a damn good one; I'm not leaving without the American Flag and the good old USA brand. Y'all in Spittoonland or Cooterville or Hillbilliania or whatever y'all want to call yourselves have got yer own flag -- I know you do because you love to fly it above your statehouses. You're welcome to it.

Also, I think 12 states is far too few. You'll have to do better than that. We'll take Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Michigan, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Maryland and the District of Columbia. I'd like to have Iowa as a buffer zone; that's negotiable.

I figure if we work quickly, we can be rid of these yahoos by late March -- early April at the latest.