Two jackalopes scan the horizon

It took a while, but I've finally done it. I've finally invented something that will make me rich. It'll make the world a better place, too.

My invention combines the exciting new world of nanotechnology with the age-old desire to put antlers on creatures that don't have antlers.

People yearn for mythical beasts like jackalopes to exist in the real world. Now, they can -- with the Antlerizer. The Antlerizer uses tiny nanobots to locate the ideal "antler points" on any skull, then build strong and authentic-looking antlers on the heads of rabbits, pigs, goats, dogs, cats, mice, gorillas, ferrets and snakes.

Naturally, after people tire of putting antlers on all their pets, they will start putting antlers on themselves. Antlers will become a fashion requirement. Women will go to salons to get manicures, pedicures and antlercures. Men will feel constantly insecure about the size of their antlers. Disputes will be settled by vigorous antler-clacking. Barfights will become bloodier, but much more entertaining. "Monday Night Football" will become the most popular show on television.

The Antlerizer will spawn whole new industries. Factories will turn out antler-hats and cans of antler-polish by the millions. Airlines will offer extra headroom for antlerized patrons. Architects will be forced to design higher and wider doorways to accomodate the antlerized homeowner.

I will set myself apart by choosing not to have antlers. With the billions of dollars I make from the Antlerizer, I will wangle my own TV show on Fox called The Last Non-Antlerized Billionaire, where I will offer ten antlerized contestants a chance to win my entire fortune by humiliating themselves on national television. None of them will win.