You are a sick man, Michael Graves.

I am talking about the Target Stage Theater, a ghastly, freakish eyesore that looms like an enormous broken toy over Saint Paul's Harriet Island.

I'm no architecture critic, but you don't need one to figure out the obvious: the Target Stage is hideous. In introducing this monstrosity, Graves pointed out how each architectural element was designed to "evoke" something: the twin iron columns were designed to evoke the lift bridge in Duluth Harbor, and the sloped roof was designed to evoke the rolling plains of the midwest, and the ugly gray cement platform was designed to evoke....oh, something or other.

Apparently Graves never considered what all of these elements together would actually look like. Because for me, all the damned thing evokes is the trunk of a '63 Buick Riviera suspended between two sawed-off oil derricks. People, this thing is ugly.

There is no law against bad architecture, but when identified it should be recognized, and the perpetrators should be prevented from spreading their misery elsewhere. When I am elected mayor of Saint Paul, the first thing I'll do is demolish Target Stage and ban Michael Graves from ever setting foot in the city again.

And if he defies the law and enters my city with dreams of building more of his hideous visions....well, heads will roll like cabbages on that day, my friends. I take this stuff seriously.