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Wednesday, September 30, 2009
They're Holding Out For A Hero Til The Morning Light
Given that the current crop of GOP wannabees for President is a collection of goofballs, cranks and has-beens, it shouldn't be surprising that Republicans are dreaming of some savior riding in on a white horse.

Nicolle Wallace apparently spends her evenings writhing around in bed, hoping the next Republican president will leap through the window in the dead of night and ravish her:

It’s also worth keeping in mind the words of Bonnie Tyler when we imagine the task at hand for the Republican Party:

Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need. I need a hero.

So, who is that hero? Republicans agree that it must be someone who can move the entire discussion into the future and away from the past. This leader must convey our party’s most essential beliefs in a way that is meaningful to all Americans: young and old; straight and gay; black and white; Spanish-speaking and Chinese-speaking; people living in cities, suburbs, and rural America, and people from coast to coast and every inch in between.

Don't forget the one-armed midgets.

Our next leader must be able to articulate a belief in America’s unique role in the world that is as relevant today as it was when our nation was founded. He or she must make clear that when the men and women of our military are on the battlefield in Iraq and Afghanistan, and other fronts as well, our entire nation is at war, and we must live as a nation at war.

Hey, how about George W. Bush?

One Republican I know suggested that actor Gary Sinise might be our savior. According to news reports, he’s part of an underground group of conservatives in Hollywood—an act of bravery in itself.

Yeah, he's vaulted to almost Joe-the-Plumberesque feats of derring-do. By the way, if he's part of an underground movement, how come you're jabbering about him in your column?

His stated belief in American exceptionalism might end up being a powerful contrast to Obama’s “American apologist” mantra. The natural strengths that an actor brings to politics would come in handy to anyone going up against Obama in 2012. We will need an effective communicator who can stand toe to toe with Obama’s eloquence.

Others suggested Gen. David Petraeus or Gen. Ray Odierno. Both have denied any interest in a run for office, but if their masterful management of Iraq is undermined in any way over the next four years, one could hope that they’d reconsider.

Most Republicans I spoke to agreed that it would take a new leader, as opposed to any one of the politicians on the national stage today rising to the occasion.

Okay, let's take stock. We've got a bunch of stiffs who can't win, an actor with no political experience and two generals who say they don't want the job.

And people accuse you Republicans of not being serious.

Actually, all this breathless Gary Sinise talk is making me pine for the sober olden days, when Republicans were touting Rick Santelli as the Next Big Thing.

Normally, building these sort of castles in the air can be a pleasing diversion. But these guys are starting to take it a little far -- for instance, I have begun to worry for poor Mark Steyn's sanity. Earlier this week he linked to an article in the Telegraph (verrry widely read in the offices of the National Review): Andy Williams thinks that Barack Obama is a Marxist!

Whew! Well, that settles it, then.

Mark Steyn is very, very excited about this.

I believe we have our man for 2012. At the campaign launch, the crowd, like Moon River, will be wider than a mile. Who needs Rock The Vote when you've got Croon The Vote With Full Supporting Orchestra?

To be honest, I didn't know Andy Williams was still alive. But sure, Republicans, Andy has as good a chance as anyone else on your bench. So go for it!

I wasn't familiar with the man's politics, but it's all making sense to me now. The goofy skits on The Andy Williams Show were loaded with political subtext. Andy's refusal to yield to Cookie Bear's redistributionist imperatives was a bold endorsement of lassiez-faire economic policy.

Let's watch.

Monday, September 14, 2009
I Wish I Could Do 1/1,000,000,000th Of What He Did
The University of Minnesota's most famous alum died on Saturday. According to Penn Jillette, he was not only the most famous alum of the U, but the greatest man who ever lived.

Norman Borlaug died at age 95, a Nobel laureate who spent his life finding ways to improve crop yields in Mexico and South Asia. When he was awarded the Nobel Prize in 1970, it was estimated that his work had saved a billion lives.

Which gives me an opportunity to post this clip from Penn and Teller's terrific series, Bullshit.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009
The Karma Train Pulls Into The Station
My, my, my. Isn't life a trip? You start out as a rock-ribbed, family-values Republican from Yorba Linda, and you end up like this:

Orange County Assemblyman Mike Duvall, R-Yorba Linda, just resigned from office after a huge uproar from both sides of the aisle over a tape of him bragging about sexual affairs, reportedly with two Sacramento lobbyists.

“I am deeply saddened that my inappropriate comments have become a major distraction for my colleagues in the Assembly, who are working hard on the very serious problems facing our state. I have come to the conclusion that it would not be fair to my family, my constituents or to my friends on both sides of the aisle to remain in office. Therefore, I have decided to resign my office, effective immediately, so that the Assembly can get back to work.”
In this snippet from the tape, which was aired last night on KCAL, the 54-year-old Duvall apparently does not realize his microphone is on prior to a committee meeting in Sacramento earlier this summer.

So he brags to another man–apparently another assemblyman– in graphic, language about his sexual trysts with two women.
The OC Weekly has reported that one is a lobbyist representing utility companies — which is significant because Duvall is the vice chairman of the Assembly Utilities and Commerce Committee.

For the record, Mr. Duvall was a staunch defender of marriage. He opposed gay marriage because he claimed that it would undermine "real" marriages.

Like his own.

As Harry Shearer likes to say: the Karma Train, ladies and gentlemen. Nothing moves faster, nothing reaches its destination more quickly.

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